Just when I thought my postpartum depression was clearing, I'd found a new routine, and started gaining momentum again in my business. Turns out God had different intentions for me.
I am only now realizing what he’s been saying quietly to me over the last year, “Sarah, you cannot work the same way you’ve been working.” It’s taken postpartum depression, the kids being sick November-February, and finally Mia breaking her leg Memorial Day weekend for me to FINALLY hear his voice loud & clear. And to be honest, I was heartbroken when it dawned on me that I needed to reduce my work commitments as well as delay my competition goals while I prioritize taking care of Mia and keeping Knox from destroying the house.
I was reminded to write this confessional last week when talking with a few clients and friends who are also WAHM’s. We were just talking about how stressed out we are and how working out helps us mentally so much but it’s difficult to prioritize that time along with maintaining our businesses, running households, taking care of young children. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve cried in the last 2 weeks (I swear I don’t know who I am anymore haha!).
There were 4 specific conversations I had which reminded me that we are not meant to suffer these feelings alone. I realized that if I’ve had these talks with my friends, chances are you have too. *Side note* God continues to amaze me, like when he places the exact people and exact conversations he knows you need when you need them. That’s what lead me to writing this post today.
It’s time to cleanse my sad story, get over myself, and move the fuck on. It feels good to let this negativity burn. I encourage you to set fire to what you’ve allowed to hold you back.
You can comment anonymously on my blog, post in the comments on FB, or shoot me a message. Or do none of those things and instead, just confess outloud to yourself or a trusted friend, then let it burn and move on with your new plan of attack.
Hopefully this resonates with you and if it doesn’t that’s cool too. It’s honestly a bit selfish as I’m using it help myself let go of some things that have been holding me back the last few weeks. Alright enough with the why--let’s get to the good stuff, my confessions!
Confession #1: Accepting that I can’t work at the same rate, time, and dedication that I have been the last 3 years. I love what I do. I am not called to be a SAHM (you girls are amazing btw!). I suck at kid friendly activities, keeping up with the household chores (to the point that this past month Jason did all of our laundry every week because I was rebelling), and I probably let Mia watch Youtube far too long each day. I couldn’t accept my temporary SAHM role when Mia first broke her leg. I started to become frustrated that I had no time to work during the day like I had before. I kept trying week after week to maintain the same working hours, respond to any & all messages, and create new content. Which I failed miserably at every week. That negativity affected my clients by not giving them the best service, mentorship, and education I know that I’m capable of. I was frozen by feeling like a failure before I’d even done anything.
Confession #2: I’m selfish. I legit cried the day I realized I wasn’t going to be able to compete this month which I’d been prepping for. I was so freaking proud of how far I’d come and I was certain that without a show date I would go into a full on binge because, who cares? I’m not training for anything anymore, right? Then I started feeling sorry for myself about not getting to workout for almost 2 weeks when Mia needed me most. I was such a whiny little brat to Jason those weeks. He is awesome and always encouraged me every day to go. But I, of course, refused to go because there is no way he could deal with both Mia and Knox by himself! SHOCK, HORRROR--WHAT IF HE DID SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN ME?! Type A personality rears it's ugly head. Of course he's going to parent different than I do, I had to let him start helping me and stop whining about it "all being on me" because it wasn't.
Confession #3: I wait way too long to lean on others for support. It’s only when I’m about to blow a gasket that I happen to word vomit on an unsuspecting friend or client who happens to be in my path that day. But geeze do I feel better afterwards! I am so thankful to be surrounded by encouraging and supportive women who allowed me the space to unload on them. I feel especially grateful for them sharing their own issues. It reassured me that I wasn’t alone.
Ladies I share these confessions with you because I realized that I am not alone in those negative thoughts. It wasn’t until last week when I happened to have those 4 separate conversations that I realized SO MANY WOMEN go through the exact same issues I do. And NONE of us say anything because we feel like we don’t deserve to bitch, don’t want to sound spoiled, or worse, we believe we can manage these feelings alone. We cannot. We are called to share in each other’s burdens. Let someone (other than your spouse or significant other) help you carry the load.
I needed to share these struggles and today I’m letting them burn. Today, I’m releasing their negativity and hold over me. Today I’m moving the fuck on.
I hope this post inspires you to share the burden of what’s been holding you back. I hope this post inspires you to acknowledge it, share it, and then move on.
Have a confession to share? Post it in the comments or shoot me a message firstname.lastname@example.org.